Chapter 1: The Fine Line of Humor

In social interactions, humor often serves as a bonding tool, yet it can also have a darker side. I’ve always enjoyed learning and the freedom it brings, but recently, I’ve felt an unsettling current that I couldn’t quite articulate until now. While I have some friends who are supportive—like the outgoing Jamie, the insightful Sasha, and the observant Chris—there’s been a shift.

Initially, playful comments felt like harmless banter among friends. However, as time went on, I noticed a troubling pattern, especially in Jamie’s remarks. It began with lighthearted jabs, such as, “Hey, Sachs! Nice shirt. Did you just roll out of bed?” Jamie would chuckle, and if I didn’t respond, they’d add, “Come on, I’m just joking! You know I care.” But did they truly care? Each joke seemed to sting a little more, and the familiar refrain followed: “I didn’t mean it; I was just joking!”

This ongoing negativity led me to withdraw, spending more time alone in my dorm than with friends. It was during this isolation that I discovered an article discussing “hostile humor.” A 2017 study by Dr. Thomas Ford, published in the journal Humor, described hostile humor as a veiled form of aggression. This revelation was eye-opening—I wasn’t imagining my discomfort; it was a legitimate issue.

One day, I mustered the courage to approach Jamie after class. “Can we talk for a minute?” I asked. Jamie looked surprised but nodded. “Sure, what’s going on?” Taking a deep breath, I expressed my concerns about their recent jokes, suggesting they were increasingly hurtful.

To my dismay, Jamie’s response was defensive: “What? No, I’m just teasing! I would never mean to hurt you.” This familiar excuse didn’t satisfy me. “I understand, but that doesn’t change how I feel. There’s a term for this—hostile humor, which expresses aggression under the guise of joking.”

Jamie appeared taken aback. “I had no idea. I thought we were just having fun.” This conversation opened my eyes to concepts I hadn’t previously considered, including microaggressions and gaslighting. Microaggressions, a term coined by Chester M. Pierce in the 1970s, refer to subtle, often unintentional acts of prejudice. In my case, they related to my social demeanor and how others perceived it.

Gaslighting, derived from the 1938 play Gas Light, involves psychological manipulation that makes someone doubt their own perceptions. The dismissive “I’m just kidding!” felt like a form of gaslighting, minimizing my feelings. Determined to address these issues, I began researching strategies for coping.

One technique that resonated with me was assertive communication, which psychologist Andrew Salter defined in the 1940s. This approach encourages expressing one’s needs and boundaries without infringing on others’ rights. For instance, instead of saying, “You make me angry,” I learned to express my feelings more clearly: “I feel upset when people mock my appearance or behavior.”

To my relief, Jamie made an effort to improve their behavior, which strengthened our friendship as we learned to communicate more effectively. However, not all interactions were positive. Chris, for example, reacted dismissively when I attempted to explain my feelings, saying, “Do you think you’re overreacting? Friends joke with each other; if you can’t take it, maybe you need to toughen up.” This invalidation can severely harm self-esteem and mental health.

In light of Chris’s response, I turned to another important psychological concept: setting boundaries. Boundaries serve as guidelines to protect oneself from emotional harm. They aren’t about controlling others but rather defining what is acceptable in social interactions. I decided to clearly communicate my limits to Chris: “That’s your perspective, but I want you to know that I don’t appreciate it. If it continues, I may need to distance myself from you.”

Though it was challenging and created some tension, my friends eventually began to understand. Particularly, Sasha became a supportive ally. “I’ve been reading about emotional intelligence,” she shared one day. Popularized by psychologist Daniel Goleman in the 1990s, emotional intelligence encompasses five key elements: self-awareness, emotional regulation, goal-setting, empathy, and relationship management.

As we all grasped these concepts, our group dynamics began to shift for the better. One day at the library, Jamie closed their textbook and said, “Sachs, I’ve been reflecting on what you said about hostile humor. I realize I picked up a lot of it from my family. We used humor to show affection, but I didn’t realize the impact on others. I’m sorry, and I’m working on changing.”

Hearing those words meant more to me than I can express. It was a powerful reminder that change is indeed possible, often sparked by raising awareness within our circles.

I hope this reflection resonates with you. This blog post is based on my experiences and insights. The names used here are fictional.

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In the video "Just Kidding: When Humor Hurts," various perspectives on humor's consequences are explored, highlighting how jokes can unintentionally harm relationships.

The video "How to Respond to 'I Was Just Joking' #shorts" provides practical advice for addressing hurtful jokes and fostering healthier communication.