Chapter 1: The Cycle of Narcissism

Narcissists often find themselves trapped in a repetitive cycle, but the underlying reasons for this behavior are often misunderstood. The question arises: what motivates their harmful actions? The answer lies in a concept known as idealization.

Narcissists heavily rely on external validation to maintain their self-worth. They perceive themselves through the lens of others' perceptions. When you fall for a narcissist, your feelings reflect back to them, painting them as incredible, essential, and lovable individuals. This validation boosts their false sense of self, providing a euphoric rush.

They crave immediate gratification, acknowledgment, and validation—this is their supply. When you fulfill these needs, it fuels their infatuation and leads them to view you as their savior. The intense love-bombing from the narcissist only deepens your feelings for them, creating a mutual high, as both parties feel exhilarated. In their minds, they believe they have finally discovered someone who can alleviate their internal void. This is the process of idealization.

Devaluation is the next phase. For most people, transitioning from infatuation to a deeper, more bonded connection is a natural progression in relationships. However, narcissists are incapable of forming emotional attachments. They merely seek the constant supply of admiration without any genuine affection or connection. As their need for validation diminishes, their underlying feelings of depression resurface, and they no longer experience the same excitement you once inspired in them.

They may become upset, directing their frustration towards you for not maintaining the same level of excitement. Narcissists lack object constancy; they cannot hold both positive and negative feelings for a person at the same time. This leads to resentment and the onset of devaluation.

During this devaluation stage, the narcissist begins to extract negative supply from you—your despair, pain, and pleas for affection only reinforce their sense of importance. However, they are simultaneously on the lookout for a replacement. They may engage on dating apps or behave as if they are single, showing their lack of commitment. Boredom is a significant enemy for narcissists; it forces them to confront their authentic selves, which they fear.

As the supply from you becomes less potent and engaging, they will seek out someone new to ignite that initial infatuation. The validation from a new partner becomes their priority, leading to the discard phase. They will replace you with this new source of validation, often without any regard for your feelings, as they have no real attachment to you.

This cruel discard is a hallmark of their behavior, driven by resentment and a lack of empathy. The cycle of idealization, devaluation, and discard continues throughout a narcissist's life, revealing a disordered pattern of relationships.

To delve deeper into the dynamics of narcissism, consider watching these insightful videos:

The first video, "Narcissist Idealize Devalue Discard," explains the cyclical nature of narcissistic relationships, highlighting the psychological mechanisms at play.

In the second video, "Rhonda Freeman | Idealize, Devalue, Discard," the speaker discusses why many abusers struggle to sustain love, further illuminating the complexities of narcissistic behavior.

Chapter 2: Recognizing the Patterns

Understanding these phases can help you recognize the patterns in narcissistic relationships, paving the way for healing and self-awareness.