Understanding the Avoid-Avoid Dance: Navigating Emotional Barriers

The Avoid-Avoid Dance: A Journey Towards Connection

In relationships where emotional avoidance takes center stage, a particular pattern often emerges—one that involves evading confrontational feelings and conflicts. This avoidance can create a significant emotional and physical distance between partners, even if it appears as calm on the surface.

Let’s take a closer look at Sarah and Steven, a couple in their thirties with a young child. Sarah is a gifted musician, while Steven works as a data scientist. Their relationship began to fray, prompting them to seek Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy to restore their connection.

Dancing in Shadows: Understanding the Avoid-Avoid Pattern

At the core of emotionally distant relationships lies the avoid-avoid dance. This recurring behavior is characterized by a mutual avoidance of confrontation and emotional vulnerability. Sarah and Steven found themselves unwittingly trapped in this cycle, both desiring closeness while simultaneously shying away from expressing their true feelings.

As their therapy session began, the tension was palpable, highlighting their disconnection fueled by avoidance.

Therapist: Sarah, can you share your feelings about Steven not joining you at the event?

Sarah: (looking at Steven) Honestly, I thought it was manageable for us to go separately.

Steven: I had some urgent work, so I figured it would make sense for you to attend alone.

Therapist: How does Steven's reasoning resonate with you, Sarah?

Sarah: (forcing a smile) I understand; work is important. It’s really not a big deal.

Therapist: Steven, what do you think about Sarah's response?

Steven: (uneasily) Well, if she’s okay with it, then everything must be fine.

Peeling Back the Layers of Avoidant Attachment

The root of their avoid-avoid dance lies in their individual attachment strategies shaped by early life experiences. According to attachment theory, these strategies govern how individuals relate to others in romantic contexts. For both Sarah and Steven, their avoidance behavior serves as a protective mechanism for their relationship, albeit one that inadvertently creates distance.

Sarah's Emotional Shield

Sarah's approach to attachment stems from her childhood, where she witnessed her parents' persistent emotional disconnect. This led her to develop an instinctual fear of conflict, believing that discord could result in lasting emotional detachment. As an adult, she adopted emotional suppression as a way to maintain peace, inadvertently sacrificing her own emotional fulfillment in the process.

Steven's Distraction Dance

Steven's attachment style is also a reflection of his upbringing. Raised in an environment where emotions were often suppressed, he learned to hide his feelings to maintain a semblance of calm. Within his relationship with Sarah, expressing emotions resulted in her withdrawing, reinforcing his belief that emotional openness could jeopardize their connection. Consequently, Steven sought refuge in work and external distractions to avoid confronting the emotional pain of their distance.

Reframing Avoidance as Protection

By viewing their behaviors through the lens of attachment theory, Sarah and Steven can recognize their avoidance as unconscious strategies intended to protect their relationship. While their actions may lead to disconnection, they stem from a place of love and concern for one another. Understanding this perspective empowers them to see their avoidance as a preservation mechanism rather than personal failures.

Embracing Vulnerability: Bridging the Divide

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy provides a framework for Sarah and Steven to address their avoidance patterns and take the necessary emotional risks to rebuild intimacy. The therapist guides them in recognizing the detrimental impact of their avoidance behaviors and encourages them to embrace vulnerability.

Therapist: Sarah, could you share your authentic feelings about Steven attending the event solo?

Sarah: (pausing) Honestly, it hurt, Steven. I wanted us to be there together, and when you chose work, I felt a growing distance between us.

Therapist: Steven, what emotions arise as you hear this?

Steven: (softly) I didn’t realize it would affect you this way. I thought prioritizing work was the right choice, but now I see how it impacted you.

Therapist: Your willingness to be vulnerable highlights the care and commitment you both share. Recognizing the patterns that perpetuate disconnection and fostering open dialogue is essential for rebuilding your connection.

Breaking the Cycle: Strengthening Bonds

To escape the avoid-avoid dance, it is crucial to confront avoidance head-on and embrace emotional risks. Here are actionable steps for nurturing connection:

Acknowledge Patterns: Identify moments of avoidance in interactions and their effects.
Reframe the Issue: Understand that the problem lies within the attachment strategies, not each other.
Share Fears Openly: Discuss attachment fears and past experiences that contribute to avoidance.
Practice Active Listening: Pay attention to your partner’s feelings and demonstrate genuine interest.
Validate Each Other: Recognize and acknowledge your partner’s emotions, regardless of your own feelings.
Seek Professional Guidance: Consider couples therapy to navigate these dynamics together.
Exercise Patience: Understand that change takes time and extend patience to each other.
Celebrate Progress: Acknowledge and celebrate each step towards vulnerability, no matter how small.

While breaking free from the avoid-avoid dance presents challenges, the reward of a deeper, more intimate relationship is worth the effort. By embracing vulnerability, couples like Sarah and Steven can transform their avoidance-driven dance into a harmonious duet of emotional connection.

In the first video, titled "THIS is why Anxious and Avoidant partners STRUGGLE together. (The anxious/avoidant Dance)," viewers will gain insight into the dynamics that lead to struggles in relationships marked by anxious and avoidant attachment styles.

The second video, "The Anxious Avoidant Dance: 6 Proven Ways to End It," provides practical strategies for couples to end the cycle of avoidance and nurture their emotional connection.

Recommended Resources

For those seeking additional support in navigating these patterns, consider the following resources:

Books:

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson
An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples: The Two of Us (2nd Ed.) by Veronica Kallos-Lilly and Jennifer Fitzgerald
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find — And Keep — Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

Workshops:

Hold Me Tight

Frequently Asked Questions

Can two avoidant attachment people be together?

Yes, though challenges may arise due to both individuals' tendencies to avoid emotional vulnerability. Open communication and mutual understanding are essential.

What happens when two avoidant attachment styles meet?

Initially, they may feel comfortable due to shared independence, but their avoidance can lead to a superficial connection and emotional distance if not addressed.

What are the two avoidant types in a relationship?

The two types are dismissive-avoidant, who prioritize independence, and fearful-avoidant, who desire closeness but fear it due to past experiences.

What if I don't know what I feel as an avoidant partner?

Emotional awareness can be cultivated through self-reflection, journaling, and seeking support from trusted friends or therapists.

What happens when two fearful avoidants get together?

Their relationship may fluctuate between seeking closeness and retreating, leading to emotional turbulence without intervention.

What hurts a fearful avoidant?

They may struggle with the conflict between the desire for connection and fear of vulnerability, often feeling overwhelmed by emotions.

Remember, attachment styles are not fixed, and individuals can develop more secure patterns through self-awareness and communication. If both partners commit to understanding their attachment styles and working together, they can create a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.

Read more from The Good Men Project on Medium:

The story was originally published on The Good Men Project.

About Kyle Benson

Kyle Benson helps couples revitalize their relationships both in and out of the bedroom. When he’s not coaching or writing, he enjoys dancing salsa, exploring new countries, and lifting weights. For more insights, visit KyleBenson.net.

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