Chapter 1: The Mirror's Reflection

Every time I gaze into the mirror, the weight I’ve gained from my divorce stares back at me, echoing painful memories. I chose a flattering headshot for this piece, knowing it’s mostly my face that appears in photos these days. Full-body shots? Not so much.

I’m cautiously moving toward a territory that once felt daunting. Recently, I managed to shed ten pounds, a small victory in what feels like an ongoing battle. Yet, I still can’t bring myself to expose my entire body to the camera.

The mirror reveals my reality. Each glance reminds me of my past struggles, whispering harsh truths:

• “You endured an abusive, drawn-out five-year divorce.”
• “A financially manipulative partner left you feeling helpless.”
• “Your life became a whirlwind of unpredictability and fear.”
• “You fought desperately for your freedom and your children's safety.”
• “You felt powerless, longing for support that never came.”
• “People misinterpreted your cries for help, thinking you sought sides.”
• “You were terrified, unsure if you’d ever escape.”

The mirror is unyielding and honest. It reflects not just my weight but the emotional turmoil that has followed me. I can’t afford to carry this burden any longer; I need to lose this weight, which symbolizes the trauma I’ve faced.

During my divorce, weight was the one thing I could control. Ironically, it’s also what I’ve struggled to regain control over since. Gaining weight was effortless, yet shedding it requires commitment and drive. Thankfully, I’m finally feeling motivated.

This newfound motivation helped me lose those ten pounds, and I’m beginning to feel more like my true self. I’m not merely putting on a happy face; I genuinely feel joy. I yearn for my exterior to reflect the strength I hold within. I want to reclaim the person I was before divorce changed everything.

And then there’s the vanity-driven aspect: I need a picture for my online dating profile. I’ve postponed dating for numerous reasons, but I’ve decided it’s time to face my weight gain head-on. Signing up for online dating feels like a necessary push.

I often refer to the forty pounds I gained during my divorce as 'Forty pounds of Ralph'—a name chosen to shield the guilty. I still have thirty more pounds to lose. Some claim I carry it well, given my height of 5 feet 5 inches.

There’s a reason behind this perception: much of the weight seems to have settled in my chest, making it look like I’ve gained less than I actually have. However, the journey hasn’t been straightforward.

I needed to be mentally prepared for this next chapter of my life. Recently, I braved a full-body photo at a wedding, armed with ten pounds of courage. But there’s a deeper truth I must confront: I need to lose this weight that speaks to me, reminding me of my struggles.

If I don’t, the painful memories of my abusive past will remain, manifesting physically as a constant reminder of my emotional battle. The mirror will continue to reflect this truth.

Section 1.1: The Challenges of Online Dating

Online dating is filled with individuals I’d rather avoid. The landscape is complicated, with many encounters leading to unwanted situations.

Subsection 1.1.1: Addressing Past Relationships

Chapter 2: Healing and Moving On

Navigating the memories of my past, I’ve learned to recognize emotional neglect in relationships and how it shaped my experiences. Each lesson brings me closer to healing.