Chapter 1: Understanding Ambivalence

The eminent stoic philosopher, Epictetus, once remarked in his Manual for Living, "Steer clear of those who do not share your values, as prolonged contact with individuals holding erroneous beliefs can cloud your judgment." Reflect on the individuals in your life who may be adversely affecting your mindset and exhibiting toxic behaviors. Why do we sometimes permit these relationships to persist? Why is it challenging to establish boundaries? Often, the answer lies in ambivalence.

In this article, I will explore ambivalence not as a psychological disorder, but as an emotional state characterized by mixed feelings towards someone. I will delve into my research on ambivalent relationships, their physical and mental health effects, and strategies for managing them to rebuild connections with ourselves and others. A significant aspect of this transformation involves redefining oneself, laying stronger foundations, and comprehending the roots and consequences of this emotional state.

Research indicates that individuals with more ambivalent relationships tend to experience more frequent illnesses, diminished happiness, and dissatisfaction with their jobs and lives. It's also established that ambivalence contributes to stress-related physical ailments. A study led by Caleb Siefert, Ph.D. (Associate Professor of Psychology at the University of Michigan-Dearborn), involved three studies examining how relationships affect stress and attachment regarding health dependence.

The first study, involving 483 students, identified attachment ambivalence as the most significant predictor of stress-related physical symptoms, demonstrating that concern for these relationships substantially elevates stress levels. The second study, utilizing a community sample of 696 adults, focused not just on healthy dependency but also on intimate behaviors—how often individuals seek support from their primary partners. The results mirrored the first study, with heightened effects observed: greater insecure attachment correlated with increased physical symptoms and pain. Importantly, both anxiety and ambivalence were found to be unique pathways to stress and fears of intimacy.

The third study, involving 713 community adults, examined interpersonal relationships and their unique contributions to stress-related symptoms and pain. This research reiterated that ambivalence triggers stress, causing individuals in ambivalent relationships to struggle with setting boundaries, which further escalates their stress and physical discomfort. Such individuals are also more likely to isolate themselves, reducing their access to social support, exacerbating their pain.

Chapter 2: The Health Implications of Ambivalence

Understanding that ambivalence and engagement in problematic relationships leads to physical discomfort and heightened stress levels is vital. It's also known that individuals under significant stress experience impaired natural killer cell function, reduced red blood cell counts, and elevated cortisol levels, negatively affecting immune function.

Thus, ambivalence acts as a catalyst for releasing a metaphorical poison that can result in health complications and pain. Despite this knowledge, many continue to find themselves trapped in this detrimental cycle. What causes this phenomenon, and where might solutions lie?

Rick Reynolds (LCSW) highlighted a thought-provoking insight in a video regarding ambivalence: "On one side of the mind lies action and change, while on the other exists the inertia of maintaining the status quo. When caught in this limbo, one experiences paralysis."

What leads to this paralysis? Upon deeper analysis, we find that the fear of making decisions about our relationships—and other ambivalent situations—creates a standstill. This fear is rooted in three significant aspects.

First, our brains are wired to preserve the status quo. Many maintain ambivalent relationships because they have been conditioned to do so from a young age, often reflecting early familial dynamics. Other times, a once-cherished relationship may devolve into ambivalence and toxicity. As these connections become habitual, our brains perceive change as risky, triggering cortisol, the stress hormone.

Second, contemplating such decisions activates the fear of regret. This concern is deeply connected to responsibility, maturity, and self-awareness. When we become attuned to our true desires and learn to trust ourselves, we can make decisions confidently. The tendency to dwell on "what if" scenarios and evade accountability only heightens anxiety and distress, imprisoning us from forming relationships that genuinely represent who we are.

Third, there's the fear of guilt. The prospect of distancing oneself from an ambivalent individual can lead to feelings of being the antagonist, with the other person cast as a victim. One might feel compelled to apologize or question the validity of their decision. Additionally, the fear of betraying past positive experiences can weigh heavily. However, it's crucial to recognize that persistent conflicting emotions regarding a person's behavior can cloud judgment. When change appears unattainable, it’s essential to understand that preserving your mental and emotional well-being is paramount.

Complaining about a relationship won’t resolve the underlying issues. Over time, situations often deteriorate further. Taking proactive measures to address the problem is vital, regardless of the potential reactions from others or feelings of guilt. Emotional ambivalence can impose limitations, leading to confusion and diminished self-awareness, confidence, and clarity.

As you contemplate whether to maintain a friendship that leaves you feeling ambivalent, ask yourself: Is this friend genuinely happy for me? Are they supportive during my successes and failures? Does this relationship bring value and authenticity to both parties?

Ultimately, emotional ambivalence stems from the fear of confronting the truth and taking action. By embracing this truth, you may recognize that some of your connections are not truly friendships but rather relationships with "frienemies" who detract from your happiness. These individuals may undermine your success, reveling in your struggles without providing genuine support.

Chapter 3: Strategies for Overcoming Ambivalence

One effective method for gaining clarity regarding your emotions and desires is journaling. Document your feelings in detail, along with your thoughts about your relationships and what brings you joy or distress. Periodically reviewing your writings can yield surprising insights about yourself and your interactions. Acknowledging and accepting truths about your relationships will empower you to take informed action and navigate the world with greater perspective.

Stoicism encourages us to perceive individuals as they truly are, rather than how we wish them to be, as our expectations significantly shape our emotional responses. When you develop self-awareness and understanding of your emotions, you can better manage your expectations and fears, ultimately accepting harsh truths and turning them into valuable allies.

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Chrysa Chrysou - Medium

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