Enhancing Your Conflict Resolution Skills for Better Outcomes
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Understanding Your Conflict Style
Have you ever paused to reflect on your reactions during a heated moment? Think back to an occasion when you encountered poor service, disrespect, or unfair treatment from a colleague, family member, or friend. It's beneficial to identify two key aspects from that incident: your feelings and your response. These insights can serve as a framework for enhancing our awareness of our conflict styles.
In our daily lives, we constantly navigate the tension between our desires and reality. According to Diane Musho Hamilton, a Zen teacher and mediator, many people tend to default to one of three primary conflict styles. When faced with conflict, individuals typically choose to:
- Avoid
- Accommodate
- Compete
Reflect on your last experience of being offended. How did you handle it? You likely responded through one of these three approaches:
- Avoiding: Ignoring the issue and pretending it doesn't exist.
- Accommodating: Going out of your way to appease the other person, perhaps even diffusing the situation with humor or kindness.
- Competing: Reacting defensively, seeing the offense as a personal attack.
When we experience stress during conflicts, we're more inclined to revert to our learned strategies, often overlooking other viable options. While this may seem obvious, the real issue lies in the limitations imposed by sticking to a single conflict style.
The Consequences of Defaulting to One Style
For instance, if you naturally lean towards avoidance, this can be advantageous when dealing with minor annoyances. Personally, I often adopt the avoidance strategy, allowing trivial matters to slide without much thought. For instance, I might discover something peculiar in the fridge, like an "imagination sandwich" created by my children.
However, if my child were secretly spending excessive time online, ignoring this would not be effective parenting.
If you default to accommodating, you likely excel at seeing all sides of a situation, which could make you a great mediator. Yet, this approach may hinder your family's ability to resolve conflicts independently. Conversely, if you are a competitor, your need to win can alienate your coworkers, making discussions feel judgmental and dismissive.
To effectively manage conflict, it’s essential to blend these styles thoughtfully, which requires practice.
Are You Ready to Broaden Your Conflict Style?
Recognizing the importance of speaking up when witnessing a colleague being humiliated or responding with patience when a child cuts in line is crucial. Here’s what you can do:
- Identify your default conflict style in challenging situations.
- Make a conscious effort to incorporate one of the other styles into your response.
Even if you view avoidance or accommodation as non-confrontational, they can create disconnection when applied unconsciously, as they fail to address the reality of the situation.
Here are some practical strategies to implement:
- If you typically compete by becoming louder or harsher, try listening more and softening your tone.
- If you tend to avoid conflicts, consider approaching the issue directly by asking thoughtful questions and sharing your perspective.
- If you often accommodate, practice asserting your principles and desired outcomes.
Don’t assume you’ve mastered this area. I’ve encountered leaders who thought they had it under control, only to revert to their default strategies when it came time for practice.
In one instance, while mediating a conversation between two rival department heads at a Fortune 500 company, I suggested one leader express his feelings more authentically. He responded with a harsh comment, mistaking it for genuine expression.
Embracing a New Approach to Conflict
Developing the ability to respond to conflict intentionally, rather than reactively, will foster a deeper sense of confidence in navigating difficult situations. This transformation takes time and small, deliberate steps can lead to significant changes.
By consciously adjusting your approach, you can turn avoidance into compassion, accommodation into meaningful relationships, and competition into self-respect. The willingness to self-observe and adapt is crucial; neglecting this could lead you back to old habits.
So, if you're hesitant to invest in this process, know that it's a challenging yet rewarding journey toward improved conflict resolution.
The first video titled "What is Your Conflict Style?" provides insights into different approaches to conflict and how they can impact relationships.
The second video, "Conflict Styles | Off The Record," discusses various conflict styles and their implications in both personal and professional settings.