Chapter 1: The Myth of Atmospheric Rivers

It seems that my hometown of Los Angeles is facing the phenomenon yet again. Thankfully, I’m not there. But I’m not really referring to the weather itself.

Discussing the weather is often seen as the most mundane topic of conversation. Wouldn't you agree? If you run into a neighbor while walking your dog or kangaroo, the go-to phrase is, “Hello there, nice weather, isn’t it?”

(I’m trying to be an inclusive writer, after all. Why should Australians always be sidelined in these exchanges?)

What I’m addressing is not merely the weather; it’s an atmospheric river!

Which is, quite frankly, nonsense. How do I know this? Well, let me explain.

I was on a business trip, stuck in a dull hotel in a mundane city, when I bumped into a local weatherman. I won’t disclose his name because he’d be in serious trouble if I did. But I will say he was quite charming. (Weather presenters are typically chosen for their looks rather than intelligence, right?) We shared a drink and hit it off.

“Atmospheric river,” I remarked. “Isn’t that just the Santa Claus of meteorology? It can’t be real. I’ve looked up at the sky, and I don’t see any rivers.”

I lightly touched his arm, hinting that I was open to some playful interaction.

“Okay,” he replied. “I’ll let you in on a little secret, but you have to promise to keep it under wraps. We meteorologists have a code about this stuff. Seriously.”

“Your secret is safe with me,” I fibbed.

He hesitated before finally saying, “If you really want to know, some researchers at MIT discussed it in the 90s. But they referred to it as vapor pluming.”

“Vapor pluming?”

“Exactly. So we decided to let the marketing team take over,” he explained. “We all had to attend a clandestine meeting—like something out of a spy movie—somewhere in LA. There was eerie music playing. A marketing guy took the stage and dramatically asked, ‘Imagine plumes of water vapor that carry as much water as the Amazon River. And they’re headed for your city. How does that make you feel? Anxious? Thrilled? A little frisky?’

“And we all nodded in agreement. We felt a mix of fear, excitement, and yes, even a bit of arousal.”

“What do we call this thrilling and terrifying weather event?” he continued.

Then the screen lit up, showcasing the term: Vapor Plumes.

We muttered uncertainly. The atmosphere grew tense. The marketing guy smirked and crossed out “vapor plumes” with a big red X.

“How about this?” he proposed, revealing the words Sky Drains.

We groaned collectively.

He chuckled and, with another big red X, declared, “From now on, rain will no longer be referred to as rain or storm or any of that boring stuff. Instead, it will be a sensational event called an:

ATMOSPHERIC RIVER.

The room erupted in applause. It felt like the dawning of a new era in meteorology—a euphoric weather climax.

Confetti rained down from the ceiling. A marching band burst onto the stage, accompanied by five strippers and a sword swallower. We celebrated, knowing we had struck ratings gold.

Honestly, what excites viewers more: a forecast of heavy rain or a thrilling Atmospheric River heading our way?

That guy was brilliant. He was also the mastermind behind the term Bomb Cyclone.

“I haven’t heard of that one,” I admitted.

“Oh, you will,” he assured me. “Next year, we’re going to push hard on bombogenesis.”

“Bombogenesis?”

“It’s when the storm pressure of an atmospheric river drops 24 millibars in less than a day.”

“Well, I’m not an expert on millibars,” I replied, “but I do have a minibar in my room. Would you like to come up?”

What ensued was a rapid increase in pressure, followed by a whirlwind of passion culminating in a literal bomb cyclone between my legs, and an unceremonious river of, well, let’s just say it was less than atmospheric.

I never saw him again.

And that concludes today’s weather report. Stay tuned for sports after these messages, as we tackle the burning question: “Is a billion dollars too much to pay someone to throw a ball of cork and rubber sixty feet?”

(Hint: the answer is not no.)

Chapter 2: The Science Behind Atmospheric Rivers