Chapter 1: The Roots of Self-Awareness

Recognizing the underlying causes of our relationships can be pivotal, especially if we tend to expect others to understand us without communicating our needs. Such expectations have profoundly affected my personal connections.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family, much like many other children across the globe. My parents' love often felt conditional and inconsistent. It's intriguing how many caregivers, burdened by their own psychological issues and lacking self-awareness, embark on parenting without addressing their own emotional baggage. This lack of self-awareness can lead children to create alternative narratives in which they perceive themselves as the villains.

To cope with their caregivers' unhealthy behaviors and communication styles, we develop survival mechanisms. These adaptations often aim to secure love and a sense of belonging, even if only sporadically. One prominent strategy that emerges from this is known as attachment styles. The evolution of attachment theory, which first appeared in 1988, has led to the identification of various sub-types, enriching our understanding of human interactions.

My previous attachment style was fearful-avoidant, often referred to as disorganized. This label reflects the internal conflict where, on one hand, we yearn for connection and intimacy, while on the other, we become overly cautious and guarded. We invest deeply in relationships, sometimes naively granting our trust, which cultivates a heightened sensitivity to others' body language and emotional fluctuations. In essence, we become adept at reading minds!

However, our lack of psychological education often leads us to mistakenly believe that others should possess the same ability to understand us intuitively. When our expectations are not met, particularly from emotionally unavailable partners, disappointment and resentment can set in, leading us to disengage and adopt a cold demeanor.

Three additional factors intensified the chaos in my experiences. Firstly, the insecure attachments I formed throughout adulthood, which I misidentified as genuine love, complicated my relationships. Secondly, my role as an unaware empath, characterized by a lack of self-consideration and emotional boundaries, exacerbated my situation. This lack of self-awareness often left me vulnerable to manipulation.

When we withdraw, those who exploited our kindness may attempt to regain our trust through shallow apologies or fleeting displays of remorse, a tactic known as hoovering, which is inherently abusive. Additionally, I grappled with self-doubt, easily swayed by manipulative individuals who made me question my own sanity.

Finally, my tendency to adopt a rescuer mentality proved to be the most challenging of all. After shedding several layers of this pattern, I stumbled upon a deeper understanding in October, which I have yet to fully explore.

Chapter 2: The Journey Toward Healing

As I reflect on my journey, I realize that, like many, I did not choose my biological family. While I may not have deserved the unhealthy patterns that emerged from my upbringing, the universe has provided me with an opportunity for growth. The order in which I encountered my traumas has shaped my path and purpose.

Mental health is not necessarily our fault, but it is our responsibility. Embracing the courageous journey of reprogramming our subconscious is a profound act of bravery and wisdom.

If you found resonance in my experience, you might also be interested in some of my writings on parenting:

• The Challenges of Parenting in Today’s World
• Building a Child’s Confidence Through Simple Acts
• The Concept of Raising Independent Adults

I appreciate your time and attention in reading this piece. A heartfelt thank you to my readers and the “Illumination-Curated” publication for providing a platform for my thoughts.