Chapter 1: The Fear Before Publishing

Why do I often feel a sense of dread before hitting the publish button? It's more than just worry or uncertainty.

Last week, I faced this feeling once again. After drafting and meticulously refining an article for three days, I hesitated to share it on Medium, despite my intentions. I convinced myself it wasn't the right moment and that I would publish when I felt truly inspired. Yet, I had been motivated to publish; I had done the work, but when the time came, I let the opportunity slip away—an all-too-familiar pattern. So why did I retreat yet again?

This reminded me of a childhood memory. Around the age of six, I found myself at the edge of a swimming pool, waiting in line with other kids. We were instructed to line up by height, and being one of the tallest, I ended up at the back. As my peers took turns jumping in, I seized the opportunity to shuffle back two places, hoping to avoid the jump. Eventually, my turn came, and as the instructor turned his attention elsewhere, I hesitated, my heart racing at the thought of jumping in.

“Hey! You’re next!” he called out, startling me.

As I teetered on the edge, my fear prevented me from jumping.

“Why won’t you jump?” he pressed.

“I’m not ready,” I stammered, my voice barely audible over the laughter of older kids.

Finally, overwhelmed, I leaped—but I didn’t swim back up. The world turned dark as I struggled beneath the surface, but then I felt a strong hand lift me back to the surface.

“Why didn’t you swim?” the instructor asked, clearly frustrated.

“I was trying!” I gasped, still disoriented.

The instructor, irritated, swam me to the shallow end, where another instructor kindly asked what had happened. I felt ashamed and didn’t want to admit my fear of water, which had resurfaced unexpectedly.

A few years prior, while vacationing on the east coast of India, I had a harrowing experience when I fell into the ocean from a cliff. Although I don’t recall the fall, the sensation of sinking and the murky darkness of the water haunted me. That memory lingered, casting a shadow over my swimming lessons, leading my mother to ultimately stop taking me to classes.

As if that wasn’t enough, in eighth grade, a classmate drowned in a nearby lake, an event that shook the community. Despite his talent and confidence, he couldn’t escape the underwater weeds that ensnared him. The tragedy echoed my own fears and made me acutely aware of my luck in surviving my own incident.

Years later, while taking competitive swimming classes in the US, I experienced another panic. While focusing on my strokes, I suddenly felt a pull, reminiscent of my childhood drowning. In an instant, I was back at that cliff, watching the world above me while feeling the weight of the water around me.

As I fought for consciousness, my instructor’s voice broke through the haze, urging me to swim. Somehow, I managed to kick my way to the edge of the pool, gasping for air as I pulled myself up.

“Was that some sort of challenge?” she asked, her expression a mix of concern and confusion.

I couldn’t articulate my experience and instead, retreated to the locker room, overwhelmed by emotions I couldn’t express.

Reflecting on my past, I realized my journey with swimming mirrored my struggles with publishing. Just as I hesitated at the pool's edge, I often find myself retreating from sharing my writing, fearing the depths of vulnerability that come with exposing my work.

The subconscious often dominates our decisions—protecting us from perceived threats. This is why I journaled about not trusting my body; it was my mind’s way of keeping me safe.

Despite the safety of writing for myself, publishing feels like a plunge into the deep end. Yet, I must remind myself that Medium is not an ocean; it’s merely a swimming pool. Perhaps it’s time to embrace the water once more.

This first video, That "Sinking Feeling" Explained, delves into the emotional turmoil associated with fear and hesitation, drawing parallels to various life experiences.

Chapter 2: Comparison and Self-Doubt

The next video, How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Other Writers - And Feel Better Than Ever, offers strategies to overcome self-doubt and find confidence in your unique voice.

Both videos provide valuable insights into the shared struggles of writers, encouraging us to confront our fears and embrace our creative journeys.