Chapter 1: The Internal Struggle

Writing serves as a reflective practice for me, often resembling a mental wrestling match as I navigate my thoughts and emotions. Recently, I've been engaged in a deep internal dialogue regarding my autonomy and the concept of control.

My vehicle has been in the repair shop for over a week now. What was initially a brief drop-off has evolved into a much longer waiting period, intensifying my impatience. Upon introspection, I discovered that this impatience is fundamentally linked to my craving for control. Without my car, I feel a loss of independence. This situation has compelled me to confront two significant truths…

Firstly, the notion of control is somewhat illusory. It’s akin to a hologram; it appears tangible for a fleeting moment, yet it’s ultimately nonexistent. While we engage in daily actions that guide our life’s trajectory—elements we can influence—there will always be aspects beyond our command. Rather than clinging tightly to this fragile sense of control, we sometimes need to relax and allow ourselves to breathe.

Secondly, I’ve been wrestling with my discomfort in asking for assistance. The thought of reaching out for help feels alien and unsettling to me. Independence is ingrained in my identity, almost like a part of my genetic makeup. I naturally gravitate towards self-sufficiency. Ironically, I find joy in helping others when they seek my support—it boosts my self-esteem. However, the idea of requesting help from others feels like a blow to my ego in an inexplicable way.

I recently found myself in a position where I had to ask Cristina for a ride. The mere act of doing so caused my entire body to tense up. I could feel the physical shift within me as I prepared to reach out for help… My chest tightened, my jaw clenched, and my breathing altered—all as a result of my entrenched beliefs about needing assistance and its implications for my independence. It’s essential to remember that I was asking my wife—my partner and one of my closest friends—for support, yet it was still a challenge for me to do so.

This dynamic complicates my relationships. Visualize two sticks leaning against each other like a tepee. They only remain upright if both are leaning inwards, supporting one another. In my case, I often lean outward, reluctant to ask for help or depend on anyone, which ultimately leads to both sticks collapsing. The only way to foster stability is to lean in.

This internal struggle has left me feeling exhausted, as if I’m pinned on the mat with my eyes wide open. This situation transcends merely having my car in the shop or feeling constrained without my vehicle. It fundamentally revolves around my quest for control and my perceptions surrounding the act of seeking help. That’s where the real grappling is occurring.

I write this without offering definitive answers or solutions. My hope in sharing this experience is that someone else reading it finds solace and is motivated to embark on their own journey of self-improvement, just as I am. Such introspection requires a willingness to confront discomfort—something I typically resist. However, today, I choose to embrace that discomfort. I hope you too can find the courage to step into yours.

Stay motivated. Want more insights?

Follow me for additional reflections like this one. You’ll also benefit from the Grit Meets Growth podcast, which I co-host with Chris Cathers. Check it out here or on your preferred podcast platform!