Chapter 1: The Misconception of Change

Listening to the marriage counselor, I found myself grappling with a harsh reality. I initially believed that my husband was the sole source of our issues, and that professional intervention would ultimately highlight his shortcomings. I was all in for marriage counseling, convinced it would lead to the resolution of our problems.

However, I was misguided to think that my husband would transform. As the narrative unfolds, you will understand why.

Several years into counseling, I was still fighting to salvage my marriage, yet I repeatedly fell into the same traps of behavior that led to conflict. My family, understandably concerned, voiced their worries.

"You've been in counseling for a while," my sister remarked.

"I know," I replied.

"So why do you keep making the same mistakes?" she pressed.

"Here's the truth," I explained. "I recognize my tendencies. I often find myself trying to please others and fix their problems. I enable poor behavior while justifying it for the ones I love."

"Okay," she acknowledged. "But why do you persist in these habits?"

"It's not for lack of effort," I admitted. "During our counseling sessions, I'm fully engaged. I respect our counselor; he’s a trained psychologist, and I see how he’s helping me gain insights about myself and encouraging my growth."

"Okay," my sister replied, still puzzled.

"But then I return home," I continued, "and I slip back into my old patterns. This has been my identity for decades. For 40 years, I have been the pleaser, the fixer, and the enabler."

Her question was valid, especially for someone who had invested years in therapy. I was gaining knowledge about myself and my husband, who had also attended sessions for the first eight months. I was eager for personal growth, but unlearning ingrained behaviors proved to be a significant challenge.

Many of our actions are deeply rooted in our upbringing, often shaped by the roles we assume within our families. In some families, these roles can be clearly defined, such as the golden child or the peacemaker. Ideally, in healthy family structures, these roles wouldn't be as rigid. Unfortunately, most families are not without their imperfections.

I had married someone who embodied the "Golden Boy" archetype. In therapy, my counselor shed light on how our family backgrounds often lead us to attract partners that reinforce our established roles—'The Pleaser and Fixer' drawn to 'The Golden Boy.'

In this dynamic, 'The Golden Boy' is accustomed to having the world revolve around him, enjoying the freedom to come and go as he pleases, with minimal expectations. This was maintained by 'The Pleaser and Fixer,' who ensured harmony and took on the responsibilities that 'The Golden Boy' overlooked.

This arrangement worked for us initially; it felt familiar. However, my desire to break free from this pattern began to surface. I longed for the counseling sessions to foster individual and relational growth and hoped my husband would recognize my newfound boundaries.

Yet, I realized it was futile. Not only was he disinterested in personal development, but I also found it challenging to change despite my determination.

I am only just beginning to feel a sense of relief, having not only distanced myself from my husband—thankfully through divorce—but also from those ingrained behaviors. It's liberating to no longer feel compelled to fix, please, or rescue.

While I’m not claiming to be entirely free from these tendencies, I have made significant progress. It’s a considerable relief to shed unhealthy behaviors that kept me tethered to a partner lacking empathy, who turned to alcohol when faced with the possibility of losing me.

Technically, it could be argued that my husband was indeed the issue. However, this does not exempt me from my role in the situation. My marriage counselor once pointed out, "Your husband is who he is. But you made every choice to tolerate his behavior and stay with him."

He had two key reasons for saying this. First, he aimed to validate my experiences. Second, he sought to empower me. His intention was to guide me toward healing and instill in me the understanding that I could take control of my life, which felt overwhelmingly chaotic due to my husband's erratic actions.

I wished for my husband to grow and evolve, pleading with him to invest in saving our relationship. Yet, as I often say now, "Real and meaningful change occurs when a person discovers themselves—not when you plead with them to change."

Even then, I can attest to the difficulty of that journey, despite the healthy and rewarding feelings that have emerged from it.

Chapter 2: The Illusion of Similarity