Chapter 1: The Initial Encounter with Harassment

Unlike many women, I can’t pinpoint the exact moment I first faced catcalling. It was as if one day, I could roam the world freely, without much concern for emotional or physical harm, and then suddenly, I found it impossible to step out alone without being subjected to lewd remarks or unwanted gazes. The relentless comments, stalking, and groping instilled a deep-seated fear in me, leading to a hatred for how my body—specifically my breasts, hips, and butt—could provoke such disrespect from both boys and men.

A particularly harrowing experience occurred when I was just 13 years old. While on a trip with a family friend, her stepson attempted to assault me. Fortunately, he was interrupted before he could finish what he intended. That moment starkly highlighted my lack of control over my own body; it seemed to exist solely for the purposes of male desire. This was not an isolated incident; from ages 11 to 22, I endured frequent harassment from men, coinciding with the time I was at my thinnest.

Food Became My Comfort

Initially, my weight gain was not a deliberate strategy to avoid male attention. During my college years, I fell into a depression and found solace in food rather than in social interactions. By the time I reached my late twenties, I realized that gaining weight unexpectedly reduced the frequent harassment I faced from men in public.

Though I felt disheartened at times, believing that my weight rendered me unattractive, I also experienced a strange relief at being less visible. Society’s Eurocentric beauty standards dictated that my Blackness and weight made me undesirable, but the invisibility that came with my weight allowed me to navigate life with less fear than many women.

Chapter 2: The Weight Loss Journey

After years of feeling invisible, I grew frustrated. I witnessed numerous family members struggling with obesity-related health issues like diabetes and hypertension. Determined not to become another statistic, I embarked on a weight loss journey, believing that shedding pounds would lead to better health and increased visibility.

Over the course of 18 months, I managed to lose 71 pounds. Initially, I felt a sense of accomplishment and relief, as the doctors no longer suggested I lose weight for minor medical concerns. However, I soon realized that the attention I received from others was superficial; those who had ignored me previously now praised my transformation, revealing their true interest lay in conforming to societal standards of thinness.

But with this change came a new wave of unwanted attention. The harassment from men surged dramatically, leaving me feeling vulnerable and reminiscent of my younger self. One particular incident stands out: while walking to a yoga class, I noticed a man trailing me. My anxiety spiked, and I quickly ducked into a supermarket to escape.

This experience made it clear that conforming to societal ideals of thinness had, paradoxically, made me less safe.

Chapter 3: The Cycle of Weight Gain and Invisibility

I didn’t begin to regain weight until my mid-40s, and once again, it had little to do with male attention. The social benefits of being noticed had previously outweighed the discomfort of feeling unsafe. This time, the weight gain was not due to poor diet or lack of exercise; rather, it was simply a result of aging, as my metabolism slowed down.

As I gained weight, I found myself becoming invisible once more, and, as a result, the harassment from men diminished significantly. However, this time I embraced the freedom that came with aging. I no longer felt the need to conform to the desire for male attention, and I discovered my queerness later in life, liberating me from the pressures of performative heteronormativity.