Discovering My Autism Journey Through TikTok's Algorithm
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Chapter 1: The Algorithm's Insight
It’s fascinating to think that the TikTok algorithm recognized my autistic traits even before I did. Almost a year ago, in March, I stumbled upon a video that fundamentally altered my perspective on life. This clip didn’t explicitly discuss autism traits but suggested that autism manifests differently in women and those assigned female at birth (AFAB). This small revelation struck a chord with me, as I had long pondered the question: “Could I be autistic?” For years, I felt like I was trying to fix something that wasn’t broken, but I was making little progress. All I needed was for the medical community to catch up to where I was at twenty, and given that I'm now 49, it's clear that they took their time.
On that pivotal day, I began a deep dive into research about autism—a journey often discussed in the late-diagnosed, actually autistic community. Hyper-fixation, a trait I’ve always had, fueled my desire to learn more. I quickly immersed myself in the various ways autism can present itself. For decades, I only recognized the stereotypical image of a male who was robotic in speech, lacking empathy, unable to grasp humor or sarcasm, and obsessed with trains. However, I discovered a much broader representation of autism that resonated with my own experiences.
Suddenly, I learned that autistic individuals can be hyperempathetic—something I identify with—imaginative, and even possess a sense of humor, though we sometimes struggle to interpret neurotypical humor. Contrary to the notion that these traits are gender-specific, the reality is that autism's presentation is far more diverse than previously understood. This realization mirrored what I had sensed back in my twenties after reading Nobody, Nowhere by Donna Williams in 1992. I felt a connection to her sensory experiences as she navigated the world, especially since I had developed agoraphobia at age 10. At the time of reading, I believed I had found clarity regarding my own struggles.
However, in the 1980s, the understanding of autism was narrow and largely centered on cis white males, often equating autism with intellectual disabilities. Many outside the medical field mistakenly viewed all autistic individuals as savants, a stereotype perpetuated by films like Rain Man. Though I enjoyed the film, I felt a kinship with Raymond Babbitt despite our differences. For many years, the existence of autistic individuals with average or above-average IQs, once known as Asperger's, was not well acknowledged. This term has since fallen out of favor due to its implications and the troubling history of Hans Asperger, who was complicit in the Nazi regime. Now, we are all recognized as autistic, which is a much-needed shift.
For nearly three decades, I convinced myself that my thoughts about being autistic were simply a way to avoid confronting my mental health challenges. I dismissed the idea again when a substitute therapist suggested I get evaluated for a developmental disorder thirteen years ago. Financial constraints prevented me from pursuing an autism evaluation, further delaying my journey.
Now, at 49, I have received a formal diagnosis from an autistic professional confirming I have Autism Spectrum Disorder. However, within the neurodiversity movement, we prefer to view autism not as a disorder but rather as a neurotype, complete with its unique strengths and challenges. As I navigate this newfound identity and seek to connect with a community that I’ve longed to be part of, I face the daunting task of reframing my entire life. This significant shift is challenging, and it will likely continue to be a work in progress for years to come. But finally, after a long and winding journey, I feel like I am home.
Section 1.1: The Impact of Social Media
